Talking about adoption

We had another class on Tuesday - this one was on child development and some of the stages children go through as they deal with adoption. We also discussed how to talk about their adoption with our kids, and with all of you.

Here is some positive adoption language vs. negative adoption language. We try to use the positive language when talking about adoption. I give you this list so that you can use positive language when speaking to others about adoption

Positive/Negative

Our child/Our adopted child

Birthparent/Real parent

Born to unmarried parents/Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights/Give up

Make an adoption plan/Give away
To parent/To keep
Parent/Adoptive parent
Search/Track down parents
Child placed for adoption/An unwanted child

Child with special needs/Handicapped child
Was adopted/Is adopted

Any questions, please ask - you only become more educated when you ask questions!

Financials

We applied for a grant through Shaohannah's Hope, and although I knew it was a long shot, we gathered all the paperwork and sent it back in May. I received word this week that we did not receive a grant from them. It's got to be a difficult decision, and I'm sure they receive hundreds of applications. I'm certain there are couples in greater financial need than us who are trying to adopt, and God knows where the money will come from.

I've jokingly said that I want my kids 4 years apart, because it will take that much time to raise the money to adopt again. Chris wants twins so it's "two for the price of one"! (He really wouldn' t mind twins, and I really do want them 4 years apart). While we joke about it, the reality is that domestic adoption is at least $14000, and international adoptions run about $20000. Granted, the IRS gives a nice tax credit, but not until after the fact. We were blessed by our families help in collecting the first major portion of fees, and are applying for a loan for the remainder. Not only are there agency fees, but attorney fees, court costs, and various miscellaneous things that will end up figuring into the total cost.

I'm so thankful for generous parents and grandparents. I'm thankful for steady jobs that give us a good income. I'm thankful for health insurance that covers almost everything. I'm thankful for lots of things. Most of all, I'm thankful that we can use our money in this way. What better thing to spend your money on...a child. One who needs a family, whose birthmom chose life.

All the questions they ask

Everyone's first question when they find out you're adopting is "From where?" I suppose that's pretty normal with all the international adoptions going on nowadays. I feel a little silly answering "from here", as though it's less noble somehow to be adopting domestically. Not that reactions are any different, people are always very excited for us....but I wonder if international adoptions are seen as heroic. None of the adoptive parents I've met want to be heroic, we just want to be parents. It's not about saving children from a desperate situation as much as it is bringing a child into our family to love and care for.

Frequently, some people (the really nosy ones) will inquire about why we don't have "our own" children. If I was able to simply not answer that question, I would, but I can't bring myself to walk away. It's a horrible, intrusive question to ask....even if I didn't take offense at the "own" children part. First of all, any children we have will be our own no matter how we acquire them. Secondly, our reasons for adopting are generally private. It's not something we advertise to the world, nor should we have to. The greatest answer to this question that I've seen is "why do you ask?" I hope to use that next time...and wait for the silence while the asker tries to figure out what to say.

Another question (from those who already know and love us) is "how's the wait going? Have you heard anything?" I love this question, but honestly, if we hear anything, you'll know...I'll be shouting from the rooftops!! As far as the wait, it's hard. It's just hard. Most of the time, I manage to go about life fairly normally and not think about it....but then I remember, my phone could ring right now with a call from the social worker....on the other hand, I could be two Christmases from now...still waiting. It's not like being pregnant, although I am an expectant momma....being pregnant gives you an end point...this does not...

God's plan is sovereign, His ways are just, His plans are for good, and His timing is perfect. I trust Him, now more than ever.

Beautiful song and video by Kellie Coffey

Family

We went to a class the other night about discipline. Not that disciplining an adopted child is any different than disciplining a biological child, but we also have to remember the wise saying from an adult adoptee: "Don't keep reminding me that I'm adopted, but never forget that I'm adopted either". Our child's adoption will be a fact of life, and a fact that may make an impact on different situations. It's referred to as "wearing our adoption glasses". When our children act out, it's good to evaluate whether or not they are experiencing some emotions about their adoption that are influencing their behavior.


We also took a quiz on our parenting style, and were relieved to find out that we seem fairly close in our approach to different situations. It will still be a day by day discovery process, but at least we have a common starting point.


On another note, we spent the weekend with the Fisher clan up at the cottage. It was the first time in a long time that all the cousins were together - and although this generation remains "the kids", we realized that now we outnumber the "adults" (even though we're now adults ourselves). The generations move on, I guess...before we know it, there will be a crop of actual "kids" to replace us... here's a picture of the whole group together...

Nursery Pictures

Here's Chris working on the valance for us....he had to leave for work, but he got it started and gave us some tips on how to attach it to the wall. Dad (Mike) made the valance, and mom (Sue) covered it with the cute material in the table skirt. Chris also got involved with the painting when his mom came down to help, and he's been a big help keeping the room tidy and clean and ready at a moment's notice for baby!

Chris also helped hang some small shelves to put cute stuffed animals on. If you look behind him, above the window, you can see that great valance he was working on. We're quite proud of how we hung that, but we don't let any of the guys look up behind it to see the hardware....as long as it stays up, that's what matters, right? I think we spent about an hour at Ace Hardware trying to figure out what to do!!

This is the changing table...as you can see the Sesame Street theme has gone a little crazy!! Rachel went through an Elmo phase in college, and we love they dark cherry wood and all the primary colors. Mom (Sue) and Rachel had a great time fixing things up and putting together the furniture. Mom (Mary) helped us paint the room a beautiful bright yellow. How special that both Grandmas-to-be got to be involved with their grandbaby's room!

Here's the crib....ain't it cute????!!! We also love this wallpaper border - it has all our favorite Sesame Street characters' faces and autographs. We won't be using this closet for baby, unless we figure out some other place to put all the stuff in it!! Instead, we got a beautiful matching cherry armoire (no picture yet!) to hold baby clothes and other things. Mom (Sue) made the bed skirt and table skirts. We found the bedding - and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find Sesame Street stuff that's not pastel. We also now have a bright red rug on the floor.

That's it for now...we haven't taken pictures since we added the red rug, the armoire, the toy net, and the snuffleupagus...maybe you'll just have to come see for yourself!!

Check us out online!

Bethany Christian Services has begun showing our profile to birthparents. The agency has hard copies of the profile, but we also have an online version. You can check it out here: Bohlman Adoption Profile. If you hear of anyone interested in making an adoption plan, feel free to direct them to this site.

We continue to attend adoption classes. Tomorrow, we’ll be attending a class about Lifebooks, which are a way of documenting an adopted child’s life. In June, we have a class about discipline. We’ll see how close Chris and I are in our parenting philosophy! We continue to prepare our baby’s nursery, and look forward to adding the final touch.

That said, we have to continue to live life as normal, so I’ll be teaching summer school and we’re planning on some short vacations this summer. Anything we plan is easily cancelled! Your continued prayers and encouragement are appreciated.

Much love – Chris & Rachel