No sweet, just bitter

At 3 pm on Friday, July 11th, Carolyn went back to her birth family.  It was heart wrenching for all of us.  We had 12 days to parent her, and in those 12 days we fell in love, although we knew the possibility of temporary was always there.

I got the call Friday morning, and my mom and I dropped her off later that afternoon.  I also returned all the things the hospital had given us as well as some items the birth parents gave us.  The birth parent counselor was there as well.  I did not cry when I gave the baby to her mother, but cried as soon as I got outside.

We pray that Carolyn's birth parents will be equipped to parent her, financially, emotionally, and physically.  We pray for her health and safety, and that she will be raised to know Jesus.  I left a letter for her, but I don't know if she will ever see it.

I am no longer able to receive updates, but the last I heard she was doing fine.  God bless and keep you, little one.  I love you!

The story of Carolyn

Sweet girl...it was a long weekend for your mommy and daddy and big brother.  Your birth mom called at 5:00 on Friday morning to say her water broke.  You were born almost 5 hours later!  9:47 a.m.  7 pounds 10 ounces and 21 1/4 inches long.  We went to grandma and grandpa's house to wait until we could see you.  We visited you in the hospital at about 6:15 that night.  We talked to your birth parents for a long time, and then took some pictures of you and them.

The next day, we didn't get to go back to the hospital to see you.  Your birth family wanted to spend as much time with you as they could before you came home with us.  We did have to sign a lot of papers and came back home, praying everything would work out to go and get you on Sunday.

On Sunday, I went to the hospital to pick you up and bring you home.  Your birth mom and dad were very very brave.  Once they left, I spent some time with the nurses learning about you, and then you and I left the hospital together.

We are taking care of you this month while all of the court papers and proceedings are finalized.  We continue to hope and pray that you will end up being our forever daughter, and we trust God's plan for our family.

Pink

Pink is not my signature color...but we are shortly to be seeing a lot of pink around here.  On Sunday, April 6, my mom called and said there was a family at their church who wanted to make an adoption plan for their baby girl, due end of June.  We started praying and gathering some information, and met with the family on Wednesday, April 16.  We are moving forward with an independent adoption through our adoption agency.  Please pray for everything to go smoothly and little girl to grow healthy and strong.

Real?

I feel a bit like the Velveteen Rabbit. Josh has been asking lately if I'm his real mom. I'm not sure where it's coming from - although we've always been open about the fact that he was adopted, it's not a daily topic of conversation. We bring it up when he asks questions. But this newest questions was a little heart breaking the first time I heard it. My 5 year old is wondering if I'm his real mom? What other insecurities is he feeling? Lord, how do I handle this?

The first time, I asked him if he thought I was. He reached over and patted me and said "you feel real." :) The next time, I asked him what he thought. He said he thought I was. I said "you didn't come out of mommy's tummy, but God chose us for each other, and I'm your real mom forever and ever." Another time, I asked if he was my real boy. He laughed and said "yes, mom, that's a silly question." We've now decided that we are real, and we know because our hearts tell us so. He still asks, but he knows the answer he'll get. When he's mad, he will tell me that I'm not his real mom. As my heart breaks a teeny bit, I tell him tough luck - he's stuck with me as his real mom who loves him bunches.

So how do you explain real to a 5 year old? The velveteen rabbit turned real because someone loved him...maybe it works for moms too!

5 years old

There seems to be something about 5. To Josh, he now uses all his fingers on his hand to tell how old he is. To me, I'm not sure why it's different. He's entering the world of big kids, I guess. Even though he has another year before kindergarten, 5 seems like the gateway to school and beyond.

I'm so proud to be his mom. I've seen so much maturity over the summer even, and I look forward to seeing his successes in 4K this year. He's loving, creative, imaginative, stubborn, affectionate, wild, and even has rhythm. There is nothing I would change about his unique little self. He is his own person, and I'm proud of him for that. I know that God has tremendous things in store for him, and, while I'm not anxious for him to grow up, I am excited to see what he will accomplish in his life, and how he will continue to grow in wisdom & stature, and in favor with God and people.

We had a birthday party today. First few hours were pretty typical for us...but then came the children. We invited a bunch of Josh's friends over for water party and cupcakes. They had the sprinkler, squirt guns, water balloons, and the kiddie pool, along with the sandbox, playset, and tree swing. We had a pinata and cupcakes and opened presents. Josh was feeling pretty overwhelmed by the end of it - so much sugar and stimulation with little rest and downtime. He inquired of everyone who came if they had a present for him, but did very well saying thank you and giving hugs.

I have never seen this level of anticipation in him before. He went to bed last night excited about his party, and woke up this morning talking about it. Here are some pictures of his day...

Summer

Trying to stay busy this summer without spending a ton of money...challenging! I've been working quite a bit, between coordinating summer school and some conferences/classes.

We've been to Tommy Bartlett, both the show and the exploratory. Josh also got to go to a Day Out with Thomas a fe weekends ago. We hit up the Sauk County breakfast on the farm, and today he and dad went to Monona Dream Park. We've been to the splash pad a few times, the zoo, and he does swimming lessons and library story time once a week.

We're still hoping to get to Cave of the Mounds this summer, as well as spend a few days up at the cottage. We haven't been there in a while because of Chris's crazy work schedule. He used his vacation time last year for the cruise, so this year, we'll be relaxing at the cottage instead.

Josh will do a little summer school later in July to get him ready for 4K again in the fall. We decided to have him repeat 4k since he won't be 5 until August, and since last year, with the early childhood support, he didn't get the full 4k experience. We've also been working on "Bible school" at home which connects learning the letters of the alphabet with Bible stories. I may try Vacation Bible school with him also this summer.

We've had lots of time relaxing with friends too. For an unstructured summer, it sure has been busy!

Testify

A few weeks ago, Josh was riding in the backseat of my mom's car. He had a bottle of juice and was struggling to open it, as mom watched through her rear view mirror. She watched him struggle a bit, and then he stopped and said "God, give me strength." He tried again, and it opened! She says his eyes were as big as saucers at the thought that God heard and answered his prayer.

This past week, he happened to be at church with my mom and the kids joined the adults for a missionary service. The pastor asked what God had been doing for people and if anyone wanted to share. Josh raised his hand, and when the pastor called on him (brave pastor for calling on a 4 year old...you never know what they will say!) he told the whole congregation that God gave him strength.

I'm proud of him, for his boldness and childlike faith. It's been good to watch him growing in his understanding of Easter and what it means too!