Lilypie - Memorial

Josh

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Honesty

I recently visited a new place.  It wasn't planned, and I hope to never go there again.  It's the place of anger and bitterness.  I've spent the last month or so locked in a battle of wills against myself.  All those pieces of me that I usually keep well tucked away have been rearing their ugly heads.  I think that's what anger and bitterness do - they shove everything else out so they can take over.

"God, this was a bad decision. You did the wrong thing.  I don't see any good in this situation - for anyone, us, Carolyn, her birth parents..."  I finally said it...finally told God how I really feel. I told Him how mad I was at Him, how I didn't believe Him when He said he worked for my good.  I told Him I was having a hard time trusting Him.

He heard me.  That I know for sure.  He heard.  And He is love.  He loves me.

The battle I've been fighting?  It's not over.  I still don't understand.  I'm still not sure why.  I still feel angry...but I don't think I'm living in anger anymore.  I chose this weekend to let the anger go.  I placed this situation - the cause of my sorrow and heartache - in a chair, looked at it, and then chose to watch it walk away.

Remember in the movie the Neverending Story - when the horse sinks into the Swamps of Sadness?  He lets the sorrow overtake him and gets stuck and ends up dying in the swamp.  Carolyn is always in my thoughts... I wish I knew she was ok.  Truth is, from the few things I have heard, there is cause for concern.  And that makes it harder.  Harder to trust that He has things under control.

I've never been in a place like this before.  I've always been able to see hope in the midst of despair and see how the situation was for the good.  This one has changed me.  There is something changed in my relationship with God.  A distance.  I don't like it and I'm trying to find my way back.



1 comment:

THE PILGRIM said...

hang on, hang in. Honesty, only place of beginning, sustaining agent, and healing balm. this might sting a little...