Honesty

I recently visited a new place.  It wasn't planned, and I hope to never go there again.  It's the place of anger and bitterness.  I've spent the last month or so locked in a battle of wills against myself.  All those pieces of me that I usually keep well tucked away have been rearing their ugly heads.  I think that's what anger and bitterness do - they shove everything else out so they can take over.

"God, this was a bad decision. You did the wrong thing.  I don't see any good in this situation - for anyone, us, Carolyn, her birth parents..."  I finally said it...finally told God how I really feel. I told Him how mad I was at Him, how I didn't believe Him when He said he worked for my good.  I told Him I was having a hard time trusting Him.

He heard me.  That I know for sure.  He heard.  And He is love.  He loves me.

The battle I've been fighting?  It's not over.  I still don't understand.  I'm still not sure why.  I still feel angry...but I don't think I'm living in anger anymore.  I chose this weekend to let the anger go.  I placed this situation - the cause of my sorrow and heartache - in a chair, looked at it, and then chose to watch it walk away.

Remember in the movie the Neverending Story - when the horse sinks into the Swamps of Sadness?  He lets the sorrow overtake him and gets stuck and ends up dying in the swamp.  Carolyn is always in my thoughts... I wish I knew she was ok.  Truth is, from the few things I have heard, there is cause for concern.  And that makes it harder.  Harder to trust that He has things under control.

I've never been in a place like this before.  I've always been able to see hope in the midst of despair and see how the situation was for the good.  This one has changed me.  There is something changed in my relationship with God.  A distance.  I don't like it and I'm trying to find my way back.

Next steps

After much deliberation and prayer, Chris and I have decided to keep our home study and license open and apply for domestic infant adoption with our adoption agency.  We had a taste of what it would be like to have 2 kids, and Josh was such a wonderful big brother.  We really didn't feel like things were over and the door was still open.

So - with the remaining money in the account that was earmarked for Carolyn, and the refund from the unused attorney funds, we had exactly enough to pay the rest of the agency fees to become a "waiting family".  What this means is our information, including pictures, is on file with the agency, and when expecting moms come to the agency to make an adoption plan, they may look at our profile and perhaps choose to meet us and have us parent their baby.  It's the same process we went through with Josh.  Lots of uncertainty, but we believe this is what God is calling us to do right now.

I am in the process of applying for adoption grants, as there is another large sum due upon placement of a child in our home, which could really be anywhere from now until 2 years from now.  Adoption grants will help us gather that money together so we are ready when we need it.  We are also working on our profile information which is what moms will see when they are looking to choose a family.

Please continue to pray for us - these are big decisions with long term effects.  We want to do what God is calling us to and honor Him with our family and our lives.  We still love and miss baby Carolyn - but are confident that God is holding her close.

Joshua is 6

Happy Birthday!

 August 2008

1 month

Carolyn is one month old.  Today is a sad day.  I'm mostly ok, but things hit at strange times.  I packed up some clothes and things today, but I can't do anymore.  I don't understand why things happened the way they did.  I have to trust that God has a greater purpose and plan, and He trusts me with pain and heartache for a reason, but I really don't want pain and heartache.  Does anyone?  We all just want our lives to run the way we've planned them - easy and full of love and joy.

The hardest part is that I keep waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for a phone call telling me it was all a mistake.  Waiting for a text that says they changed their minds again.  Waiting for some miraculous thing to happen and somehow that baby girl is back in this house with me.  I keep getting reminders - like the doctor's office calls to remind me of her 1 month appointment on Tuesday or the email from The Children's Place or Babies R Us because I signed up for their monthly coupons.  The final attorney paperwork arrived in the mail and should have given closure, but it didn't.

It's done.  Over - and I have to be ok with that.  I can't live my life hoping for things to go my way.  "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness".  Hope isn't about what I want, it's about what God wants to do.  I just wish I knew what it was.

I want to know how this testing of my faith will produce perseverance, character, and hope.  I want to know how this good work begun in me will be completed.  I want to know about His plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future.  I want to experience being settled in my home as a happy mother of children....notice that is plural - and yet, Josh is enough - he is such a blessing and I am so grateful to have him.  I want to learn to be content in whatever state I am - but I'm not.

I have been a mother to 3 children.  Daniel, Josh, and Carolyn - and only one do I hold in my arms - and I would not trade him for a thousand more.  Daniel's birth, illness, and passing was difficult, but we knew that in the end he was safe in the arms of God.  Both Chris and I say we do not regret the 12 days we had with Carolyn - but I think it makes it harder because we had the taste of what having a daughter would be like.

God, help me let go.

No sweet, just bitter

At 3 pm on Friday, July 11th, Carolyn went back to her birth family.  It was heart wrenching for all of us.  We had 12 days to parent her, and in those 12 days we fell in love, although we knew the possibility of temporary was always there.

I got the call Friday morning, and my mom and I dropped her off later that afternoon.  I also returned all the things the hospital had given us as well as some items the birth parents gave us.  The birth parent counselor was there as well.  I did not cry when I gave the baby to her mother, but cried as soon as I got outside.

We pray that Carolyn's birth parents will be equipped to parent her, financially, emotionally, and physically.  We pray for her health and safety, and that she will be raised to know Jesus.  I left a letter for her, but I don't know if she will ever see it.

I am no longer able to receive updates, but the last I heard she was doing fine.  God bless and keep you, little one.  I love you!

The story of Carolyn

Sweet girl...it was a long weekend for your mommy and daddy and big brother.  Your birth mom called at 5:00 on Friday morning to say her water broke.  You were born almost 5 hours later!  9:47 a.m.  7 pounds 10 ounces and 21 1/4 inches long.  We went to grandma and grandpa's house to wait until we could see you.  We visited you in the hospital at about 6:15 that night.  We talked to your birth parents for a long time, and then took some pictures of you and them.

The next day, we didn't get to go back to the hospital to see you.  Your birth family wanted to spend as much time with you as they could before you came home with us.  We did have to sign a lot of papers and came back home, praying everything would work out to go and get you on Sunday.

On Sunday, I went to the hospital to pick you up and bring you home.  Your birth mom and dad were very very brave.  Once they left, I spent some time with the nurses learning about you, and then you and I left the hospital together.

We are taking care of you this month while all of the court papers and proceedings are finalized.  We continue to hope and pray that you will end up being our forever daughter, and we trust God's plan for our family.

Pink

Pink is not my signature color...but we are shortly to be seeing a lot of pink around here.  On Sunday, April 6, my mom called and said there was a family at their church who wanted to make an adoption plan for their baby girl, due end of June.  We started praying and gathering some information, and met with the family on Wednesday, April 16.  We are moving forward with an independent adoption through our adoption agency.  Please pray for everything to go smoothly and little girl to grow healthy and strong.