Sunday, July 27, 2014

1 month

Carolyn is one month old.  Today is a sad day.  I'm mostly ok, but things hit at strange times.  I packed up some clothes and things today, but I can't do anymore.  I don't understand why things happened the way they did.  I have to trust that God has a greater purpose and plan, and He trusts me with pain and heartache for a reason, but I really don't want pain and heartache.  Does anyone?  We all just want our lives to run the way we've planned them - easy and full of love and joy.

The hardest part is that I keep waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for a phone call telling me it was all a mistake.  Waiting for a text that says they changed their minds again.  Waiting for some miraculous thing to happen and somehow that baby girl is back in this house with me.  I keep getting reminders - like the doctor's office calls to remind me of her 1 month appointment on Tuesday or the email from The Children's Place or Babies R Us because I signed up for their monthly coupons.  The final attorney paperwork arrived in the mail and should have given closure, but it didn't.

It's done.  Over - and I have to be ok with that.  I can't live my life hoping for things to go my way.  "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness".  Hope isn't about what I want, it's about what God wants to do.  I just wish I knew what it was.

I want to know how this testing of my faith will produce perseverance, character, and hope.  I want to know how this good work begun in me will be completed.  I want to know about His plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future.  I want to experience being settled in my home as a happy mother of children....notice that is plural - and yet, Josh is enough - he is such a blessing and I am so grateful to have him.  I want to learn to be content in whatever state I am - but I'm not.

I have been a mother to 3 children.  Daniel, Josh, and Carolyn - and only one do I hold in my arms - and I would not trade him for a thousand more.  Daniel's birth, illness, and passing was difficult, but we knew that in the end he was safe in the arms of God.  Both Chris and I say we do not regret the 12 days we had with Carolyn - but I think it makes it harder because we had the taste of what having a daughter would be like.

God, help me let go.


heather said...

You are a wise woman of God my friend. I wish I could have had scripture and Christ centered thoughts in me with our loss...I did not...I do now...but it took a year. I pray for you, and I'm blessed to know the Lord is holding you close! Your words are right and good! Love you Heather

Nicky Cross said...

I honestly don't know what to say to comfort you. Maybe comfort isn't what you need. I don't know why these things happen to good people. We may never know why this happened to you, Chris and Joshua. The only thing I do know is that God will take on your struggle for you. Leave it at HIS feet. Let HIM have this one.

Denise Cada said...

I appreciate your honesty. Too many times we are told we shouldn't feel a certain way - give up to God. We give it to God, but that doesn't stop the human pain and is only natural to want to know WHY...why do our children die before us? Why are we given something just to have it taken away? Keep the faith Rachel and some day it will all become clear...maybe not until you reach heaven, but we will never know the mystery of God and His ways....don't be afraid to cry. I still cry almost every day and it's been 14 years since my son died....(only child). The tears may not last long, but they still come unexpectedly and sometimes to you and Josh and Chris... Denise