Carolyn is one month old. Today is a sad day. I'm mostly ok, but things hit at strange times. I packed up some clothes and things today, but I can't do anymore. I don't understand why things happened the way they did. I have to trust that God has a greater purpose and plan, and He trusts me with pain and heartache for a reason, but I really don't want pain and heartache. Does anyone? We all just want our lives to run the way we've planned them - easy and full of love and joy.
The hardest part is that I keep waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a phone call telling me it was all a mistake. Waiting for a text that says they changed their minds again. Waiting for some miraculous thing to happen and somehow that baby girl is back in this house with me. I keep getting reminders - like the doctor's office calls to remind me of her 1 month appointment on Tuesday or the email from The Children's Place or Babies R Us because I signed up for their monthly coupons. The final attorney paperwork arrived in the mail and should have given closure, but it didn't.
It's done. Over - and I have to be ok with that. I can't live my life hoping for things to go my way. "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness". Hope isn't about what I want, it's about what God wants to do. I just wish I knew what it was.
I want to know how this testing of my faith will produce perseverance, character, and hope. I want to know how this good work begun in me will be completed. I want to know about His plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future. I want to experience being settled in my home as a happy mother of children....notice that is plural - and yet, Josh is enough - he is such a blessing and I am so grateful to have him. I want to learn to be content in whatever state I am - but I'm not.
I have been a mother to 3 children. Daniel, Josh, and Carolyn - and only one do I hold in my arms - and I would not trade him for a thousand more. Daniel's birth, illness, and passing was difficult, but we knew that in the end he was safe in the arms of God. Both Chris and I say we do not regret the 12 days we had with Carolyn - but I think it makes it harder because we had the taste of what having a daughter would be like.
God, help me let go.